(See previous blog on Eckhart Tolle's pain-body.)
Here is where the work of Daniel Goleman, on emotional
intelligence, may be especially beneficial.
Goleman articulates four different aspects of emotional intelligence (EI,
for short) which pertain: 1) self-awareness, 2) self-management, 3) social
awareness, and 4) relationship management.
In a nutshell (the thoughtful reader is recommended
to Goleman's series of related books): self-awareness requires that I first of
all attend to what's going on inside me.
Particularly, when a co-worker comes at me --- as above, for example,
with habitual criticism and negativity, presumably activated by their own
pain-bodies ---- I must first of all carefully note what gets stirred up inside
me. Why, you might ask?
If I only react in kind to negativity from a
co-worker --- that is, criticize or attack back --- then it's simply pain-body
fighting it out with pain-body. Neither person
wins, and the sum total is increased negativity and conflict.
So the first step is honest self-appraisal
(Goleman's self-awareness). Second, it
is followed by Goleman’s “self-management,” or what I like to think of as
self-care. Here are three suggestions:
1) Take
care of ourselves physically, so that we are more resilient and resourceful,
generally speaking. This would include:
adequate rest, balanced diet, and very importantly, regular exercise. When we’re rested, our blood sugar is OK, and
we’ve had vigorous physical outlets, we’re in the best shape possible to handle
unpleasant co-workers.
2) Rely
on good friends (including co-workers we trust) to help us sort through
difficult situations. Friends lend
perspective, plus it can really help bolster us up to have emotional support
from those we care most about.
3) Maintain
some form of prayer or meditation (even if simply focusing daily for a few
moments on peaceful breathing) to afford us a different, deeper baseline than
that offered by the adrenaline-pumping pain-body.
Third, we need to be sure to pay attention to our
unpleasant co-worker’s attitude and behaviors.
Goleman calls this “social awareness.”
As in our earlier discussion of the pain-body, we can typically pick on
a co-worker’s mood, including pervasive negativity, well before they confront
us directly with it.
Fourth, and vital here, is what Goleman calls “relationship
management.” An emotionally intelligent
response to a belligerent or difficult co-worker requires skillful handling
interpersonally. A few practical tips
here:
1) Assert:
state clearly --- in “I-messages” --- to your co-worker what they have said or
done that has affected you directly.
2) Listen:
inquire into their understanding of what happened. Oftentimes, active listening with a
compassionate ear can defuse an otherwise incendiary situation.
3) Collaborate:
here is where you and your co-worker come up together with a plan to do things
differently.
4) Set
boundaries: if there cannot be a meeting of the minds (in #3), then “escalate”
the assertion by suggesting what steps you plan to take if there can be no
effective resolution between the two of you.
Key to all of the above is to aim for not
adding fuel to the fire (the pain-body) by regulating our own selves to begin
with (self-management, or self-care, as previously delineated). This way, when we do need to set firm
boundaries, or even report non-cooperative behavior to our superiors, we do so
out of a place of positivity; leaving us feeling clear and with a burden
lifted, rather than confused and now burdened with a bad mood or worse.
No comments:
Post a Comment