Work as Antidote to Relationship Needs and Frustrations

In response to my earlier blog post about Dr. Mark Epstein's excellent book, "Open to Desire" (which see here), one reader asked:

"What would you say to someone who chooses to block off mundane existence and focus only on work to survive?"

Great question, in my opinion!

I responded to this question by means of addressing, among other things, different levels of motivation (a la Abraham Maslow), as well as the importance of cultivating one’s personal art-form (creative expression).  Please see that blog post…

Another reader read the above question, and offered this:

“Of course, working to survive is sometimes the only way to deal with bad relationships or self-esteem issues. If anyone has ever been in a toxic relationship, work may be their only salvation.”

Which makes me think that maybe I should say a bit more, this time directed at relationship problems (“mundane existence”?) and “focusing on work” (both from the initial question).

You might say that work can sometimes serve as a relatively effective “antidote” to the psychic pain that comes from conflict in ongoing, sometimes even “toxic,” relationships, unrequited love, and other sources of active emotional suffering in and around our romantic or other interpersonal connections.

One problem, or maybe possible shortcoming, of this strategy is that it only works so well, and only for so long.  What I mean is that our yearning for depthful, mutually enriching relationship really will not typically find a permanent and satisfying “antidote” in work alone.  Work, as rewarding and distracting as it can be, typically doesn’t nourish our relationship (what psychology calls “attachment”) needs adequately. 

It’s unfortunately a bit like eating Twinkies to satisfy nutritional needs.  They work OK, maybe, for awhile.  (Some might disagree loudly here!)  But surely, over the longer haul, we simply need more to survive; and certainly to thrive.

All of this begs a deeper question.  What the hell do we do if the relational/attachment domain leaves us wanting?

Don’t get me wrong.  Work may be one of the truly more adaptive responses for coping in such a circumstance.  Much healing can come via our working hard, and not just in terms of distraction.  After all, psychologist Albert Bandura tells us that “self-efficacy,” e.g., in the work sphere, goes a long way toward aiding our self-esteem needs (see my earlier comments on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, where self-esteem is placed right alongside “belongingness,” or attachment, needs).

It’s just that we humans are wired fundamentally for attachment.  And nothing less than fulfilling, nourishing interpersonal connection can typically serve this foundational drive within our hearts and beings.

So work, for now, if we must.  But let us also never neglect for long the deeper calling to find rest in the arms and hearts of an Other: one deserving of our affections, our vulnerabilities, our very lives.

(Easier said than done, I fully realize.  But let’s stay in conversation here, OK?)